Las Vegas, NV -- I read restaurant reviews to get a contact food high. But, why do I ever believe the reviewers? Their taste buds are different from mine. Indeed, few people lust after shrimp cocktail sauce as I do. Beyond this essential cocktail sauce divide, however, lurks a maze of sensory interpretation that's specific to the individual.

Your experience in a restaurant depends on your mood, your companions or lack thereof, your response to the staff, appetite, state of sensory and physical glut, and even memories. So, this is not a restaurant review. This is a tip-off to a couple of joints that deliver real food in deliriously and deliciously fake Las Vegas, Nevada.

Vegas, the city of avid avarice and vice, is always keen to help you consume and to consume you. Each casino sports a wall-to-wall buffet, snack bar, and high-end chi chi eatery. Most places give you a coupon book with deals on meals. Or, if you gamble a ton, you'll get to merge into the high roller lane. Here, your grub will be free (i.e., equal to the amount that you invest in blackjack), and you will sail past the peons in the buffet queue. Or, at least you think you will-the peons' butts hit the seats faster sometimes. I still feel smug about the waitress who ignored the whiny hipster high roller in the ironic cowboy hat and seated me first.

Even in Vegas, it is easy to tell the real cowboys from the fake cowboys-the true-hearted ones rarely use air quotes. It is also very easy to tell when a restaurant cooks from the heart. No celebrity chefs. No overly cute menus. No winking, air-quoting irony.

Let's head there right now. If you're staying on the Strip, head downtown to Fremont Street and old school Vegas. Ignore the buffets. Stride past the gleaming, seen-it-all signs of the Neon Museum. Cross the street in front of "The Deuce" Strip tourist cattle car. After you eat, the same bus will still be idling curb-side, sitting out the green lights as dazed passengers filter on. Take a breath and venture across Las Vegas Boulevard. This quiet stretch of Fremont Street is the place to be when The Experience, crowds, and noise start to make you feel you're caroming off the bumpers of a giant pinball machine.

Anchored by the El Cortez Hotel, this is not a glitzy block-some storefronts stand empty-but it is colorful. There's a cigar-making shop and a bar, along with a health center and several restaurants. First, almost as soon as you cross Las Vegas Boulevard, you'll hit Uncle Joe's at 505 Fremont.

Five Things to Know About Uncle Joe's

1. The air smells like tomatoes and oregano. Unlike the artificially-fragranced air in found in many Strip casinos, the aroma comes from actual produce.
2. This is not a chain restaurant.
3. You get two huge slices of pizza, plus a generous soda, for $3.50, and you do not need to give them a social security number, home address, or major credit card. You don't have to join their "Pizza Pro Club," either. After a day or so on the Strip, you'll appreciate their low-key approach.
4. The pizza is absolutely delicious-the best crust ever, savory sauce and cheese, and not too greasy.
5. Probability that there is a real Uncle Joe in the picture? 85%. The two guys behind the counter are very cordial. They don't wear togas, like the beefy sausage boys at Caesar's Palace. Instead, they are genuinely Italian and seemed quite uncle-like to me.

Are you still hungry after your visit to Uncle Joe's? I doubt it. So, wait until the next day, and then head back. Keep walking past Uncle Joe's, past The Beauty Bar on your right, and down another half block 'til you reach Mamacita's fine pink building at 611 Fremont.

Five Things to Know About Mamacita's

1. Portions: Gigantic, bountiful, plenteous. If you eat lunch here, you're set for well into evening.
2. Menu: Capacious, expansive, exhaustive. You could eat here every day for two months and not have the same thing twice. Okay, that might be an exaggeration, but it's close.
3. You will visit two countries in this one charming restaurant-Mexico and Cuba. Unlike the Paris, Venice, Gold Coast, and Greek Isles that you visit elsewhere in Vegas, however, this is the real deal.
4. The food is hearty, flavorful, and fresh. Two salsas-a classic, cilantro-laden chopped tomato/onion mix and a fiery green salsa-and a basket of chips hit the table within seconds after your butt hits the seat. The burritos are big enough for two meals. But, you've been in training with those buffets, so you'll probably be able to handle one at a sitting.
5. Probability that there is a real Mamacita in the picture? 95%. I think she served me, and she and her (64% probability) daughter are truly lovely.

G'wan-take a trip off the Strip.